Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.