Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Big Sex has us all fooled
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.