Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[Dog tennis match]
Dog: *throws ball up to serve*
*all dogs in the audience simultaneously bolt onto the court*
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.