Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.


Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.


[Dog tennis match]

Dog: *throws ball up to serve*

*all dogs in the audience simultaneously bolt onto the court*


I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.


Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.


Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?


If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.


Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.


Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”


[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.