Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy