Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.