Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.