Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…
“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”
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Me: Can I buy that chandelier?
Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?
Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.
INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.
I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?