@StranDadAbroad

Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…

“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”

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@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@rebrafsim

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@Cheeseboy22

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

@DanMentos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

@TheDairylandDon

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and