Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.