*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”
“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.
She: But you don’t have glaucoma.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles