*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.