Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

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*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no


My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.


I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.


I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.


There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter


[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan


I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.


[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.