@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.

You Might Also Like

@blazed_ncis

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

@onion_an

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

@GoldenSpirals

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

@chrisdelia

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@Kyle_Raney

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.

She: But you don’t have glaucoma.

Me: See?

@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles