Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.