@OfficialYoniG

Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder

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@notalogin

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

@realHamOnWry

My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.

@Browtweaten

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@juliussharpe

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

@Brampersandon_

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@wildethingy

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.