Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
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Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Animal poetry
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.