ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You Might Also Like
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
This meal prepping shit is easy
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one