@markleggett

Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?

You Might Also Like

@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

@WilliamAder

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

@david8hughes

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@Brampersandon_

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

@bazlyons

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

@jctwritesstuff

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.