skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*hears Siren’s song*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*
I’m here, Mistress.
When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.