@HairyJew4Life

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

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@theshantilly

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

@eye_spyder

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

@garrettbarry70

Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago.

@thesulk

I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.

@trojansauce

[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]

well hello there mister home wrecker

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

@decentbirthday

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@prophethusband

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

@Reverend_Scott

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.