Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
uncle dave has been through hell
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Cake!!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”