I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago.
I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.
[meeting zac efron at a book signing six years after my wife said she thought he was handsome]
well hello there mister home wrecker
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.