I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken
[first day as a lion tamer]
Me: ok you need to settle down
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.