Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

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[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?


[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*


HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!


I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken


[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]










Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.