Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”

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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok


I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.


Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!


{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*


[1st day in Hell]

Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-

Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?

Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!

Me: Ya, snacks



Satan: 3 pm


Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?


“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?


Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me