Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”
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We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
[1st day in Hell]
Satan: *giving impassioned speech* AND THE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE-
Me: *raises hand* What time are snacks?
Satan: *eyes narrow* SNACKS?!
Me: Ya, snacks
Satan: 3 pm
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Mom, dad… I’m gay. I didn’t know either, someone on the internet told me