[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.