Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

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why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses


“Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)”
*pulls wand from pocket*
“I haven’t been happy in years”


You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating


*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet


Lately I’m very optimistic about the future of my marriage…

I caught my husband on Tinder, so hopefully he’ll meet somebody… soon…


My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.


I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.


I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.


ratatouille this and ratatouille that what about some respect for my friggin girlies


If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.