College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!
How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police
On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride