Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

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College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.


Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*


Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!

How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.


My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable


Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*


Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride