Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Breaking news:
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Seems legit
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress