@delusionaliam

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

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@Gupton68

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

@ibid78

-What should we name this creature w/ big feet?
“Bigfoot”
-And this w/ saber teeth?
“Sabertooth”
-And this beaverduck?
“Platypus”
-wtf dude

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.

@Stella1070

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

@clichedout

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

@onion_an

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

@Jake_Vig

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

@KissabiX

*driving through the beautiful country side*

There really are endless options when it comes to dumping a corpse.