@delusionaliam

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

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@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”

@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

@ISOremarkable

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

@LetMeStart

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

@Reverend_Scott

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

@TragicAllyHere

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”