Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Unimpressed
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal