Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
How I like cutting carbs
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.