Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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That was easy.
IT’S-A ME,
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.