Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
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I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
why isn’t he texting back
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The news in a nutshell.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD