Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

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Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.

God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?


Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.


Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.


why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here


‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’


Me, as that guy from the Martian…

Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days

Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days


Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby


things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance