Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*bites zombie*
This kid will have a bright future.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT