Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
The absolute effort that went into this omg
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.