When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Message from the dog groomers
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.