Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago