Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Am I having a stroke?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time