Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

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grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no


I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.


Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow


i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me


I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”


No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.


If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.