@Lhlodder

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

You Might Also Like

@tweetsbyrocket

grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no

@AndyAsAdjective

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@TheGabbieShow

i cant get a dog because it will give strangers an excuse to talk to me

@BlindVigil

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@Darlainky

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

@ericacanrant

If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.