Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.