Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Hero horse inspires millions
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.