I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!