“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool