Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Who says great literature is dead?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.