Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You Might Also Like
i baked you a cake
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
do what now??
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
(2022)
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
security at the airport getting more straightforward