Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”
You need a ride! Duh
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How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started
me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor
therapist: wait, what
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.