[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.