Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh

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Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.


How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way


*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!


If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please


Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*


I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”


[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries


therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what


If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”


If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.