Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh

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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.


Do you know how fast you were going sir?


Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”



I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”


My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”


Vin Diesel is Latin for “the guy we get when The Rock won’t do it”


Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime


PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*


19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*


every time i think i’ve met the perfect girl it’s three raccoons in a trench coat who rob me again