@MissItAintMe

Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh

You Might Also Like

@Trillburne

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way

@Rollmaninoz

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

@CulturedRuffian

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

@NewDadNotes

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

@IndecisiveJones

therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

@SwartyComedy

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.