Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
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I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
That’s it.I’m out.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami