Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
We all have our pet causes.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“Sheer Arrogance”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.