@CanadianCyn

Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.

If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.

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@pixelatedboat

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

@bencoffeehall

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@JDBooie

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

@KalvinMacleod

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

@OverlyManlyMann

Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.

@scrappy_momma

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

@MollySneed

“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*

@WilliamAder

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

@jake_lach

Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old