Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.

If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.

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Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”


Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.


Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.


“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”


[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*


Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak.


Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.


“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*


If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.


Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I’m old