2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.