Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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Jupiter
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/