Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
This is my bus stop.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Boom, boom, ching!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.