[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired
A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.