@Cynner777

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

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@dafloydsta

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

@BagginsMomo

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@nicky_prada

People get so shocked when I tell them I’ve raised two kids alone, got my PHD in Psychotherapy, work full time during the have a night job and a successful business from home. I maintain all friendships and a social life and donate to charity. Anything is possible when you lie

@AtticusFinch79

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

@TheTweetOfGod

With God all things are possible; but with money all things are probable. And with a good accountant, they’re all deductible.