Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now