No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
the short answer to this question
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.