Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
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My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.