@AnExocticBeach

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

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@ArfMeasures

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

@Not_James_Vogel

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@MandiAtRandom

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

@Chel__CLE

In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene.

@Brianhopecomedy

I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.

@AngieDavisHaha

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@FeralFerrell

I just topped up my green juice with tequila and I’m fairly certain this is a lateral move, health-wise.

@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure