[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*picks up cat*
*puts cat down*
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?