Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

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[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?


Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space


A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back


That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.


Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah


Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!


My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time


Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww