@TheTweetOfGod

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

You Might Also Like

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

@brynnester

Me, an Astronaut: *home from mission*
Her: And so you’re back
Me: Do we have to do the Gloria Gaynor thing everytime?
Her: From outer space

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@abbycohenwl

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

@itcudvbeenworse

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

@Beardson

Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?