Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
You Might Also Like
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
reviewed some movies recently
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light