@Paige__xxx

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

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@heyitsJudeD

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

@joeyhuggles

My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy

@casual_koala

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@Reverend_Scott

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@JPLFR80

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@QwertyJones3

COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen