Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.