Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

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If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.


[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty


The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.


“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”


lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?


A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.


A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave


Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.


Since twitter, I don’t go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger


[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911