@stonedcoldlazy

Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!

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@corinnemlwsw

I call my husband current…
He likes it better than number two.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

@ericsshadow

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

@TheAlexNevil

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@wolfpupy

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.