I call my husband current…
He likes it better than number two.
Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!
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Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
CASHIER: how old are you?
ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts
ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?
My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.