*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
You Might Also Like
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Best spoiler warning ever
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars