@stonedcoldlazy: Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who've pissed me off!
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@OctopusCaveman: I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
@stevevsninjas: Robber: Give me your phone and don't try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven't.
@stevevsninjas: shot through the heart and you're to blame tetanus shots should go in the shoulder this is grounds for a malpractice suit
@Sanbel11: [job interview for psychic] INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? ME: Well played.