…and tonight’s final jeopardy category is Greek Mythology
*giant centaur snorts and smiles at the other two contestants*
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.