[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!