Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

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…and tonight’s final jeopardy category is Greek Mythology
*giant centaur snorts and smiles at the other two contestants*


(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”


me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175


“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad


If I had a boy I’d name him “Opportunity” & whenever he knocks on the door I’ll say “I bet that’s opportunity knocking” & laugh with my wife


“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.


It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.


I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.