@HomeWithPeanut

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

You Might Also Like

@TweetsByKaylee

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

@Birdhumms

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

@Bandersnaaatch

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

@patnspankme

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@mommy_cusses

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@t_cuppp

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

@TragicAllyHere

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!