Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
This is Sparta
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.