Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Me irl
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.