Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy


I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.


The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet


Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.


If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.


BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.


A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.


3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?