Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”