Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Based Erika
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”