I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
So glad we cleared that up
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’